Ladies (and gentlemen), we’ve all been there.
Looking through their recent text messages. Obsessively stalking their Facebook profiles. Controlling who they’re allowed to see.
The truth is, jealousy has many faces. And sometimes, it’s not as obvious as you may think. But no matter what form your jealous takes, it can cause a lot of trauma to your relationship.
But most importantly, it will kill your self-esteem. And I’m not talking about a peaceful-die-in-your-sleep type death. Jealousy is more like a point-blank shotgun to the face.
And for that reason alone, it’s time we start controlling our jealousy.
As a once diagnosed jealous bitch, I’ve destroyed my fair share of relationships. I’ve followed people to see where they go (whoops), created fake social media accounts (double whoops) and even spent hours scouring their computer for secrets (whoopsies times a million).
But I’m not here to talk about how to be a better girlfriend, or how to get the man of your dreams to fall for you. Because at the end of the day, you need to stop being a jealous bitch for your sake.
You don’t deserve to be overwhelmed with fears and pains and traumas. Nobody deserves that.
So, if you’re finally ready to stop being a jealous bitch, then girl, I’m here for you.
1. Accept That Jealousy is Not Reality
We spend much of our adult life proving that we’re mature enough to, well, be adults. I’m old enough to decide when to go to bed. I’m old enough to eat whatever I want for dinner. I’m old enough to make my own decisions about life.
So, why are we letting fucking jealous tell us what to do?
Because no matter how mature we really are, we let jealousy get the best of ourselves. We believe down to our deepest core that if our mind concocts an idea, that it must be real.
My boyfriend’s staring at this hot girl walking down the street. He must want to fuck her.
My girlfriend’s ten minutes late meeting me. She probably met someone else on the train.
My husband hasn’t texted me all night. He’s not even thinking about me because he probably finds the relationship stale and boring.
But we need to accept that these are thoughts. Stupid, destructive thoughts, but thoughts nonetheless. And thoughts are completely and utterly different to reality.
So, just because you think your boyfriend is cheating, or that your wife is no longer sexually attracted to you, doesn’t mean they are. Well, they might be but that’s an entirely different topic we’ll save for another day.
Because you’re an adult! You don’t have to let your thoughts (or your mom) tell you what to do.
As long as you can identify the truth from what is simply forming in your head, then you can finally take the first step to overcome your jealousy.
2. Stop Destructive Thoughts Dead in Their Tracks
When it comes to uncontrollable jealousy, there’s usually only one person to blame. Want to know who’s responsible for your self-destruction? Stop reading and go look in the mirror. I’ll wait.
Yes, my sweet innocent, insecure friend. It’s you.
Your thoughts, while sometimes legitimate, are also the crux of the matter. Once a bad thought is planted in your head, you start to water it. You check in on it every few days, feed it a bit more fertilizer, and give it plenty of attention and sunlight.
Until one day, your tiny jealous seedling blossoms into a monstrous man-eating weed, who’s only wish is to destroy everything in its path.
Trust me, I know the feeling. I used to obsess over my boyfriend’s ex-girlfriends. Obsess with a capital “O”.
I’d spend hours scrolling through each photo on Instagram, googling their name, and staring at their LinkedIn profile. I’d create my own images of what she looked like while she was cooking, or shopping, or going to work. Or what she would look like laying in bed with her arm on my boyfriend’s chest. And of course, what she would look like fucking him.
I’d shut my laptop and then revel in my disgust of these thoughts. But sadly, I couldn’t stop.
When it comes to jealous thoughts, we’re like moths to a flame.
Maybe we’re bored, or maybe we’re self-conscious. Or perhaps we’re simply looking for insights into our significant other’s past.
And for what reason? Why torture ourselves? Give me one good reason. I’ll wait again.
And while this might be the hardest step to conquer, it might be the most helpful. If insecure thoughts pop into your head, then send them away. Tell them they don’t belong in this beautiful brain of yours and that you’re not going to indulge them anymore.
Don’t look at the ex’s Instagram. Don’t assume that the incoming text message is from another girl. Don’t imagine the worst of your significant other — or yourself. Just don’t.
3. Don’t Drag Your Past Shit Into Your New Relationship
Sure, you may have had some trust issues in the past. And maybe a lot of your jealous assumptions are caused by past traumas from other relationships.
But despite how many gin and tonics we drink, we can’t erase our past. Believe me, there are quite a few “gems” from my personal dating history that I would like to forget. But alas, we cannot change what has happened.
And if you’ve ever been betrayed, or cheated on, or lied to — I don’t expect you to forget those situations either. In fact, you shouldn’t.
But that doesn’t mean you have to blame everyone in your future for mistakes you or your ex made in the past.
Every person we encounter in this world is different. And everyone deserves to be treated based on their personal actions. Not the actions of your shitty jealous thoughts or your even shittier ex-boyfriend.
4. Sleep On It
I can’t even begin to tell you how good I am at overreacting.
Apparently, I love taking a really small inconvenience and blowing it out of proportion. If I feel someone is making me jealous, I’ll flip a shit and act like my entire family and my extended family and my boyfriend’s family were all just horrendously murdered.
And that’s why I personally recommend taking a second to pause.
Take a deep breath, walk away, go to sleep angry. Do whatever you need to do to relax and contemplate the situation.
Because sometimes, we can all overreact.
In the morning, you might not even give a shit about the situation anymore. Not only will you have spared your significant other from the evil beast you keep trapped inside your body, but you’ll also save yourself unnecessary pain.
5. Be Confident, You Sexy Jealous Bitch!
My final piece of advice is a simple one: be confident with who you are.
I know a lot of jealousy stems from how we look at ourselves. We wish we were taller, prettier, thinner, smarter. We want to be better dressed than our friends, higher-paid than our coworkers, and even sexier than that random chick walking down the street.
But you are who you are. And the only person to tell you otherwise is you.
It’s simply not worth the effort to compare yourself to others. So, go ahead and tell yourself you’re worth all that and a big ol’ bag of potato chips.
Because you're a funny, pretty, jealous bitch. And you deserve it.