Don’t just lie there — do something about it

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Photo by Tommy van Kessel 🤙 on Unsplash

Sexual Starfish Syndrome (SSS) is the common name for the behavior where a woman lays physically unresponsive and motionless during the act of lovemaking. Access to the genitals is granted, although no further movement is provided.

Although Sexual Starfish Syndrome mainly affects inexperienced women in their late teens to early 20s, it can occur at any age during a woman’s lifetime. Over 63% of women will experience Sexual Starfish Syndrome at least once during adulthood, especially with partners who suffer from Jackhammer Dick.

Medical professionals may also refer to Sexual Starfish Syndrom as Pillow Princess Problem, Human Sex Toy Disorder, or Lazy Lizard Complex. …


Beauty is in the eye of the ball-holder

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Photo by Mike from Pexels

The folks at Autoblow have done it again.

First, they brought you the Beautiful Vagina Pageant, where almost 200 women competed to be crowned Queen Pussy. There were shaved vaginas, trimmed vaginas, vaginas with full lips — you name it.

But of course, the flames of jealously were fueled, as the pageant left many men wondering, “Are my genitals also worthy of such fame?”

Thankfully, the Autoblow Balls Beauty Pageant rolled around a few months later, giving men the opportunity to compete for the award-winning title of “World’s Most Beautiful Balls.”

The contest was met with an astounding international response. …


“Harder!” wasn’t one of them

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Photo by Andrea Piacquadio from Pexels
  1. Oh no, he’s finally cashing in his birthday gift coupon from 2016. Why did younger me think a night of anal sex was a good idea?
  2. I suppose it won’t be all bad. I mean, it feels just like taking a big poop, right?
  3. OMG, what if I poop — during? That would be shitty. Literally.
  4. Hey dude, you’re gonna need way more lube than that. Rub it on you, rub it on me, rub that stuff everywhere. This booty does not self lubricate. Seriously, squeeze out the entire tube if you have to.
  5. So, what should I do now? Just hang out here on all fours? I don’t have all day, ya know. …


Please love me like one of your neck tattoos

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Photo by Clem Onojeghuo on Unsplash

Hey! Are you a Bad Boy? Because if so, I want to date you.

I don’t care if you’ve dropped out of high school, can’t hold down a job, or even have your driver’s license. As long as you 1) play in a band and 2) have more than three tattoos, then baby — I’m already yours.

(Also, major bonus points if you are the brooding lead singer.)

I don’t know why, but I can’t help myself around Bad Boys like yourself. Like a hormone-driven moth to a flame, I seek out men who are filled with passion and angst and all that other emotional drama I lack in my boring, middle-class upbringing. …


I want you to stroke my [Lego Fire Station]

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Photo by Kristin Brown on Unsplash

I was fixated on you from the second you walked into the playground [favorite place]. My lip started to quiver as I gazed at your soulful eyes, your masculine physique, and your stinky butt [adjective + body part].

As much as I tried to deny this penetrating feeling of arousal, the reality was, I needed you to take me right there on the sandbox [piece of furniture].

We locked eyes, and I knew you felt the tension too. …


God invented lube for a reason

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Photo by Verne Ho on Unsplash

“You’re so beautiful,” he muttered, planting a kiss on the nape of my neck.

I blushed, wrapping my arms around his neck, drawing him closer. He shifted his hips so his erection poked my thigh, which I knew was his not so subtle way of telling me, “Yo lady, I’m ready to bone.”

Climbing on top of me, he angled himself over my body, with his erect member knocking on my front door. Slowly pushing forward, he slide the tip inside before abruptly pulling out.

“Wow, you’re so tight.”

This wasn’t the first time I heard this compliment. In fact, many of my past suitors would boast about how tight my vagina felt. Which is why I grew up believing that having a tight vagina was a positive thing. After all, no man would win any points by exclaiming that his partner’s vagina felt loose or flabby, right? …


Your leg feels lonely if they aren’t humping it

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Photo by Patrick Hendry on Unsplash
  1. You can scream, yell, and swear your ass off without them telling you to “calm down.”
  2. They don’t judge you for eating an entire meat lover’s pizza because they too would devour an entire Costco-sized bag of kibble if given the opportunity.
  3. You’ve seen their poop. And you’ve probably even touched it.
  4. They’ve seen you poop. And they still looked at you with unwavering admiration.
  5. You’ve seen every part of their body — including their gaping asshole (but like, why would they flash it around town if they didn’t want it to be seen??) …


My darling — how you’ve grown

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Photo by Polina Zimmerman from Pexels

Oh, sweet and sometimes sour-smelling vagina.

How I’ve adored watching you grow and develop over the years. From those first masturbatory experiments while watching Saved by the Bell to those disconcerting moments in the back of my 2005 VW Jetta.

You entered this world an innocent, wide-eyed girl — eager to please even the most unruly of characters.

Back then, you were wild. You didn’t seek to hide those cascading locks of brown hair. You weren’t fussed about your lip size or clit width or how your shapely figure looked standing in front of the mirror. …


And how it affected me for almost 15 years

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Photo by Ethan Sykes on Unsplash

I lost my virginity to my high school boyfriend when I was 17 years old.

We planned to “do it” for over a month. At that point, the fingering and dry hand jobs in the back of the movie theater were simply not cutting it anymore.

So one day while my parents went to pick up paint at the hardware store, he drove over, and we banged in my childhood bedroom. We thought we were so sneaky.

Losing your virginity was everything I could have expected — painful, awkward, and embarrassingly short. …


How I learned that the hard way

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Photo by Candice Picard on Unsplash

It was just one of those weeks when we weren’t having sex.

Sure, it’s not the end of the world. After all, our sex life fluctuates depending on numerous factors, like how tired we are, how big of a dinner we ate, or how many glasses of wine I downed at the bar.

But this past week was different.

Maybe it was the full moon or some Mercury in retrograde nonsense, but we simply weren’t horny during the week. At all.

That’s until we woke up Sunday morning. Instead of leaping out of bed for work or heading straight to the shower, we decided to start the day by cuddling. As we faded in and out of sleep, we intertwined our legs and wrapped our arms around each other’s bodies like a human pretzel. …

About

Ms. Part Time Wino

first of her name. writer of nonsense. queen of drinking wine. creator of thedirtygirlsguide.com

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