Do I really have to cut my nails? I just got a manicure.

Photo by Franco Antonio Giovanella on Unsplash
  1. Alright — I’m about to go where no woman has gone before. At least nowhere this woman has gone before.
  2. How do you want to do this, dude? Standing? On all fours? On your back with your legs flailing around in the air? Laying on your side like you’re about to get a rectal exam?
  3. Speaking of rectal exams, wouldn’t it be hilarious if I was wearing a lab coat? I mean, I should have at least come prepared with a pair of rubber gloves.
  4. Oh god…


But why did you have to make that weird moaning sound?

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Dear boyfriend,

Last night, something horrible happened. I’ve been struggling with this all morning, but I decided it was better to come clean than to live with this guilt for the rest of my life.

I’m not quite sure how to tell you this, but I faked my orgasm last night.

Please, don’t cry. It wasn’t caused by your performance. It’s just —me. You know that I was stressed about that last episode of The Undoing. …


Resolutions are like condoms — they aren’t meant to be broken

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  1. I promise to give the Magic Wand a much-needed break and try another vibrator. As they say, you’ll never change your life until you change something you do daily.
  2. I plan to do more yoga. Because there’s this leg over the head sex position I really want to try.
  3. I will limit myself to only one glass of alcohol a day. But if that includes taking swigs straight from the bottle, then that’s okay too (one bottle = one drink).
  4. I will avoid sleeping with guys only because they…


The question that’s on everyone’s mind this holiday season

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Christmas is just around the corner, and that means mouthwatering cuisine, festive boozy drinks, and awkward family conversations. And if you’ve managed to escape your small hometown village — Christmas also means returning to your childhood home for some quality one-on-one time with Mom and Pop.

Which, in most cases, is really nice. Sleeping in. Free breakfast. Someone to wash your sheets and fold your laundry. Ah yes, Christmas time is a great excuse for most of us to revert back to our childish behaviors and patterns.

But if you’re in…


I wish someone told me to pee after sex

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1. Stop comparing yourself to models

Or Instagram influences. Or hot girls you see in the club. It doesn’t matter how much you starve yourself or how often you go to pilates; your body probably won’t look the same as theirs. Ever.

2. Treat yourself to a vibrator

It doesn’t have to be a $150 clit sucker, or 14k gold plated dildo. One of those discount bin pocket vibrators will do the trick just fine. But use it on your body a hundred times (and then a hundred times more), so you can figure out what gets you off.

3. If you hate your birth control — change it!

How blessed are we…


My horrific experience banging to the La La Land soundtrack

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Who remembers the good old days where you used to sneak away from your parents to have sex in your car in an empty parking lot?

You know, where you’d plop in your favorite cassette or CD (mine was Weezer), roll up the windows, and jam out with your clam out with your high school boyfriend. All those angsty teenage feelings bubbling to the surface while you grind your private parts to your favorite song.

In fact, I would even burn CDs that had my friend humping tracks on them.


It’s a label — not a way of life

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My father left my family when I was four years old.

As an only child, it was just my mom and me for about five years until she met my stepfather and remarried. He adopted me at the age of 11, and soon I had a new dad. The three of us were extremely happy together and continue to be close-knit even as I enter my mid-30s.

But when I was a teenager, I noticed that I was different than most of my friends.

I didn’t care about any of the boys in my high school. Instead, I fantasized about…


Sorry — your fun, wild, carefree 20s are over

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I hate to break it to you — but the wild, sexually-charged, carefree times of your 20s are over.

You’re 30 now. Yep, the big 3–0.

And that means it’s time to welcome an entirely new decade of sexual escapades. In your 30s, there’s no time for childish games or body shaming. There’s no reason to fuck that guy who still can’t locate the clit or that chick who still thinks blow jobs are gross.

Nope, those things are in the past.

Sure, you’ve experimented with new positions, new partners, and…


We’re great with our fingers (just ask our keyboards)

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio from Pexels

Have you ever flipped to the back cover of a book just to admire the author’s bio? Of course, you have.

Writers are some of the sexiest creatures to ever grace the surface of our planet. Not only are we incredibly talented, but we have the ability to capture your attention for hours on end, leaving you smiling, crying, or shaking your knees in anticipation.

So it should come as no surprise that writers also happen to make the best lovers.

1. We have a keen eye for detail

Unlike our fellow non-writer brothers and sisters, we have an…


Make love, not war

Photo by Rene Asmussen from Pexels

The other night, my boyfriend and I got into an argument over pasta.

Pasta, you guys.

Sparing you the nitty gritties, I’ll just say it started over which cheese to use when cooking Mac and Cheese. I’m American. My boyfriend’s German — so clearly, he had no idea what he was talking about.

Anyway, a simple discussion over pasta evolved into a massive argument that lasted for two days. We didn’t speak to each other during the day, we didn’t cuddle at night, and we definitely didn’t have sex.

The argument couldn’t have come at a worse time. We had…

Ms. Part Time Wino

first of her name. writer of nonsense. queen of drinking wine. creator of thedirtygirlsguide.com

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